


molecules of you

by platonics



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: F/M, Flashbacks, Found Family, Implied Sexual Content, Making Up, Non-Linear Narrative, Nonbinary Character, Other, Post-Canon, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 01:15:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19074514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/platonics/pseuds/platonics
Summary: There's no instruction manual for life after a killing game.





	molecules of you

**Author's Note:**

> please note that this takes place in a canon-divergent timeline! the killing game was mostly the same, but angie was killed by someone else before korekiyo murdered tenko in the seance as in canon, so they were not executed.

Himiko bit her lips raw, knee jiggling nervously as she locked and unlocked her phone over and over. Often, she felt as though she was nothing but a strung-together collection of nervous habits. Every minute was spent warding off panic, and she suspected that most people, if asked, wouldn’t call that much of a life at all. 

Shuichi was in the grocery store, where she should be too, but the crowded aisles were too much. A child had seen her and started tugging at her mother’s arm, pointing and repeating, “Yumeno-san, it’s Yumeno-san, from Danganronpa.” Somehow, Shuichi had gone undetected at her side. Himiko dropped his hand and bolted from the store, feet leading her to the wrought-iron bench she currently occupied.

Harumaki was...well, Himiko wasn’t sure where. Her parents’ house, she hoped, because that was where Maki said she was going when she left two (no, three) days ago, but one thing Himiko had learned was that Maki lied a lot. They all did. Maybe she was with her parents, or maybe she was at a bar, or lying passed out in the cemetery like Himiko had found her once. There was nothing she could do about it.

Ironic, how it seemed like Maki had been happier when she thought she was an orphaned assassin. What made a privileged, wealthy girl want to sign up for such a sick game?

Himiko rummaged through her pockets for candy, a pack of gum, anything she could chew instead of her own flesh, because her lips were starting to taste like the dirty metal of her keys, and she really didn’t want to start dripping blood on the grocery store sidewalk. She came up empty and felt tears stinging at her eyes. (And how pathetic was it that she was crying over the fact that she didn’t have any fucking gum)? 

She wiped the tears away angrily, mascara smearing over her face, and unlocked her phone for what must have been the fiftieth time in the past ten minutes.

**Himiko:** can u buy gum pls? im all out

**Shuichi:** what kind?

**Himiko:** i dont care, just pick something

Tenko was...Well, Himiko didn’t like to think about where Tenko was. Sometimes she bought flowers, two or three fancy arrangements at a time, and mailed them to Tenko’s family. It wasn’t as though she and Shuichi (and Maki, when she was home, which wasn’t often anymore) would ever run out of money, so why shouldn’t she? Once, though, she’d gone a little crazy with the whole thing, and Maki had scolded her, saying she was probably only making them feel worse by practically drowning them in flowers. The mental image of flowers multiplying and multiplying until they filled entire rooms was so hilarious that Himiko couldn’t do anything but laugh. Maki just shook her head and ignored her for the rest of the day.

So, mostly she Didn’t Think about where her friends were, except to reassure herself that everyone she still had to worry about was safe. She was on the bench outside the store, watching the happy families go in and out, and shivering in the summer heat. Shuichi was inside, shopping so that maybe they’d have something besides takeout this week. Maki was with her family (yes, definitely there and nowhere else). And _they_ were in the hospital, still, while the rest of them had been on their own for over a month already. Partially for health reasons, yes, and partially because Team Danganronpa couldn’t figure out what would cause the least controversy.

(Himiko could walk right in and talk to the ~~demons~~ doctors and fix it all up for them. She thought about it, sometimes, how long she could hide ~~188 centimeters of pure evil~~ ~~their friend~~ _them_ in the shared apartment before Shuichi and Maki found out.)

Himiko thought about it, but instead she caught early morning buses on the days she hadn’t slept all night, and drank bitter hospital coffee until Shuichi started texting, asking where she was and if he needed to come get her. She took the bus back, usually with a pill or two once the caffeine had woken her up enough to make her anxious about all the people. As soon as Himiko got home, she took a shower almost hot enough to burn, like she could scrub all the guilt off and Shuichi wouldn’t know where she’d been.

Her phone vibrated in her hand.

**Shuichi:** are you doing okay? i won’t be too much longer.

**Himiko:** yeah im fine

**Himiko:** dw <3

Frowning, scuffing the toe of her sneaker against the sidewalk, Himiko opened a different conversation, one she hadn’t dared to look at with Shuichi around. Sometimes she regretted keeping all the reminders of her old life. Maybe she would’ve been better off deleting it all. Her vision blurred after just a few messages, and Himiko sniffled, glad no one was watching her.

**Himiko:** sorry i couldnt come today

**Himiko:** things have been kinda tough lately

**Himiko:** idk what to do about any of this

**Himiko:** idk why im even texting you. i know you arent seeing any of these.

**Himiko:** i feel like shit

**Himiko:** sometimes i wish you died in there 

**Himiko:** im sorry

**Himiko:** im glad you didnt

Shuichi found her doubled over and sobbing, and his gentle hand on her shoulder was enough to make Himiko flinch.

“Come on, let’s go home,” he murmured encouragingly. “You’re alright. Let’s just get home.” 

Himiko laughed through her tears as she pulled herself to her feet. He had no idea what she was upset about. Sure, being recognized and gawked at in public didn’t help matters, but it was far from her biggest problem right now.

She took some of the bags, squeezing Shuichi’s hand tight. It wasn’t a long walk home, but for all Himiko knew, days could have passed. All she was aware of was Shuichi’s hand in hers, the sidewalk under her feet, and the traitorous memories in her head.

* * *

“I want to make people feel something,” they said. “Even my family doesn’t really care about me as long as I act the way they want me to.”

“Pretty impressive rebellion,” Himiko said with a scoff, laying back in the grass. With the sun warming her skin like this, she almost felt like a real person. “I get what you mean, though. I kind of want the same thing. I want people to love me. The money’s the main reason, but...if I could be loved, that’d be even better.”

“I want to have a story so tragic the whole country will cry over me. It doesn’t matter if I’m a victim or culprit, as long as it’s the most heartbreaking death of the season.”

“I want to be a victim,” Himiko replied, testing out the feeling of the words in her mouth. “You could kill me.”

“No, definitely not,” they said. “I could never. Maybe...I could sacrifice myself for you, and then later you get killed anyway. My death would be in vain. It would be...fitting, I think.”

Himiko knew that normal teenagers didn’t have conversations like this. Not even close. But something about her new friend’s words warmed her heart. It felt like the most genuine thing anyone had ever said to her. She reached over, lacing their fingers together, and gave them an inquiring look.

“You want to die for me?”

“Yeah. I can’t think of anything more worthy of dying for.”

“We met, like, two days ago. You’re ridiculous.” Himiko laughed, nervous to take it seriously in case it was all some kind of joke.

“We have at least a month before they wipe our memories. Plenty of time to develop that kind of bond.” A few moments passed, and then they added, “I hope it’s not too presumptuous of me to offer my opinion, but...I think you’d be a good survivor, Yumeno. I think...I’d like it if you lived to remember me fondly.”

“What happened to wanting your death to be in vain?”

“That _would_ be suitable for someone like me, but I have to admit that the thought of your death makes me sad.”

“Living without my only friend just seems cruel,” Himiko mumbled, moving a little closer.

“You’ll make other friends in the game. And who knows, perhaps the writers will see potential in both of us living. I may not get my wish.”

They talked for awhile longer, until it was time to leave Danganronpa headquarters and go back home. They exchanged phone numbers, promising to stay in touch and meet up again in the time they had left. All the way home, listening to her father drone on about nothing in particular, Himiko’s fingers tingled with the remembered touch. Their hands had just barely brushed when swapping phones, but as touch-starved as she was, that was enough to think about all day.

* * *

“...Himiko.” Shuichi’s voice was tired, as though he’d been trying to get her attention several times already.

“Huh? Sorry, I guess I zoned out a little.” She chuckled, running a hand through her hair.

Shuichi frowned, like he didn’t believe that was it, but didn’t press her.

“I just asked if you want to rest for awhile. Leave dinner to me.” He smiled encouragingly, tugging her into a brief hug.

“Yeah, maybe I should try to take a nap or something. I didn’t mean to make you worry.” Himiko shuffled off to her room, kicking off her shoes and falling into bed. Moments like this, with sunlight streaming in her window and the quiet noises of Shuichi puttering around in the kitchen, were when she was most likely to sleep. Nighttime was too lonely.

Himiko drifted into a restless sleep, and when she woke, she was in an even worse mood than before. Even her dreams rarely offered relief.

Shuichi didn’t even need to ask how she’d slept. Apparently one look at her when she re-entered the kitchen was enough.

“Nightmares again?” he asked eventually, when Himiko was poking at the last limp leaves of her salad.

“Mm,” she hummed noncommittally. “I...dreamed about them,” Himiko said after a few more minutes, not bothering to elaborate on the content. Shuichi would draw his own conclusions, and that was fine with her. At the very least, he knew exactly who she was talking about. Such purposeful ambiguity could mean only one person. Himiko could think of few words as completely off-limits as Shinguuji. It was as though just saying their name would land everyone back in the killing game. Perhaps the only other name like that (worse, as far as Himiko was concerned) was Shirogane. 

“I’m sorry,” Shuichi murmured. “I have nightmares about them too sometimes, and I can’t imagine how much worse it is for you...But we never have to see them again. You’re safe now.”

“Yeah,” Himiko agreed numbly, getting up to take her dishes to the sink. A voice in her head that sounded eerily like Ouma mocked her for lying to him, and so halfheartedly to boot. _What would Shuichi say if he knew about all your early morning visits, huh?_

When she came back to reality, the dishes were probably the cleanest they’d ever been. How long had she been standing at the sink? Shuichi looked at her like he was going to say something, then shook his head, turning away. 

“I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

“Okay.” And that was that.

She watched clips of season 53 on YouTube for hours, until she felt sure that she could draw Tenko’s corpse in that cage from memory, if she had to. Himiko could still smell the blood. _It should have been you_ , she thought, and this time the voice in her head sounded like Tenko.

* * *

They were on first-name basis within a week, and were texting or calling almost constantly. Himiko’s father had taken to acting even more suspicious of her than usual, making probing comments that all started with ‘your boyfriend.’ Himiko didn’t bother trying to explain that it wasn’t like that at all. 

**Korekiyo:** Can I come over?

**Himiko:** why?

**Himiko:** i mean sure but thats kind of sudden lol

**Himiko:** im barely even awake 

**Korekiyo:** My parents aren’t pleased about my decision to participate in Danganronpa.

**Korekiyo:** Frankly, I don’t want to waste the rest of my life listening to them pretending to care.

**Himiko:** wait

**Himiko:** do u mean ur not going back home?? like at all??

**Korekiyo:** I’ve said my goodbyes.

**Korekiyo:** Of course, I won’t impose if you don’t wish for me to stay.

**Himiko:** no, you can definitely stay

**Himiko:** my dad wont be happy but whatever, he can deal with it

**Himiko:** we might as well be happy for the next few weeks

**Korekiyo:** I think so too.

**Korekiyo:** I haven’t cared about another person in a long time, so I’d like to savor it.

**Himiko:** wow kiyo that sounded awfully het of u

**Korekiyo:** [one image attached]

**Himiko:** sjhfjrfgh did you seriously just use your own face as a reaction image

**Korekiyo:** Words could not adequately express my distaste at the concept of, and I quote, “sounding het”

**Korekiyo:** Have you even gotten up yet? Perhaps you should spend your time getting ready instead of making fun of me.

**Himiko:** loser

**Korekiyo:** Up

**Himiko:** i am i swear

When it became clear that they were staying for longer than just the day, Himiko was actually worried Korekiyo and her father might come to blows over it, but in the end, her father relented (guilty about pushing her towards Danganronpa, perhaps), and Korekiyo claimed their spot on her bedroom floor.

* * *

Sometime after 2:00 AM, Himiko left her own bed in favor of going to Shuichi’s room. Unsurprisingly, he was still awake when she slid into bed next to him.

“I was just thinking about coming to your room, actually,” Shuichi murmured, wrapping an arm around her and letting her snuggle into his side the way she always felt safest. “I didn’t want to wake you, though.”

“I wasn’t sleeping anyway,” Himiko said. “Just watching stuff. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea.”

“Reliving everything doesn’t help,” Shuichi said, all soft and patient as though they hadn’t had the same conversation dozens of times before. 

“I know, it’s just...” Himiko sighed, pulling the covers up around herself more. “I didn’t keep my promise, and I feel so awful about it.”

“Your promise? To Tenko?”

“No,” Himiko said after a moment’s hesitation. “Something else. I made a promise to someone, and...I messed up. Or we both did, I guess.”

“There’s a lot of things I regret too,” he breathed. “But we can’t go back and change things. Is there anything you can do that would make you feel better about it?”

“Maybe, but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing.”

“Well, I know you’ll make the best choice in the end,” Shuichi said. “You can talk to me about it if you want.”

Himiko was silent for a long time, actually starting to doze off for awhile, but eventually, she spoke again.

“I abandoned my best friend.”

“On purpose?”

“I mean, no, not at first. But I didn’t change much when I realized.”

Shuichi stayed quiet, just listening attentively in the dark, and once again, Himiko felt awful for lying to him.

“I was friends with someone before the game, and...we thought we’d just know somehow and meet up again once we got in there. That we’d be friends in the game too, and get through it together..” Himiko bit her lip, inhaling shakily. “We both wanted to die at first, I mean, why else would you audition for Danganronpa? But then we started really getting to know each other and...neither of us had had anything like that before. But we’d already been accepted and it was too late to back out, so...”

Shuichi hugged her tight, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, and the tears started to fall.

“You didn’t remember. There’s no way you possibly could have known about any plans you made before.”

“I tried to remind myself,” Himiko said. “I wrote their name on my arm before my memories were taken. I thought maybe that’d be enough, but...when I saw it that first day, it freaked me out so much that I just scrubbed it off and tried not to think about it.”

“You don’t have to tell me who it was, but...I think whoever it was, they’d be glad that you’re safe, at least.”

Himiko stifled a sob, nodding. She loved Shuichi like the brother she’d never had, and at times like this, she felt certain she didn’t deserve him.

Sometime around sunrise, she finally fell asleep.

* * *

It was a few days after Korekiyo had, for all intents and purposes, moved in, and Himiko was sprawled on her bed, half hanging off of it as she listened to the faint sounds of passing traffic outside.

“They haven’t had participants who knew each other in real life in years, as far as I know,” Korekiyo said, breaking the silence. “No doubt we’ll be a popular story.”

“You really think they’ll use that for publicity? Our lives outside of the show are private,” Himiko replied, looking at them upside down through her bangs. If she moved at all, she’d probably fall off the bed entirely, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.

“Of course. I don’t believe there’s anything they wouldn’t do. These will be on the news, I guarantee it,” they said, motioning to the pictures they were scrolling through.

“That’s fucked up.”

“Yeah.” Korekiyo’s upside down image suddenly looked far more melancholy than before, and Himiko closed her eyes.

* * *

“Himiko...” Shuichi’s gentle voice dragged her back into consciousness, and Himiko blinked at him sleepily, stretching a little.

“Good morning,” he said. “I’m glad you finally got some rest. You should probably get up soon, though, or it’s going to be hard to sleep tonight.”

Gradually, Himiko registered the bright sunlight pouring in, the fact that Shuichi was standing next to the bed fully dressed, the smell of food coming from the kitchen. The knot of guilt in her stomach tightened.

“What time is it?” she asked, though the answer didn’t matter much. The point was that Shuichi was wide awake.

“Almost noon, but don’t worry about it. You needed the sleep. I, uh, made breakfast if you want to come eat.”

Himiko groaned, running a frustrated hand through her hair. Why couldn’t she get anything right? She hadn’t been to the hospital all week, why was she so _horrible_?

“Something wrong?”

“No...no, it’s fine,” she said, smiling faintly. “There was just...something I was going to do this morning. That’s all.”

“I see. Are you ever going to tell me where you keep sneaking off to in the mornings?” Shuichi’s voice was as kind as ever, but there was a hidden edge in it that reminded Himiko of the courtroom.

“I don’t want you to hate me,” she mumbled, getting out of bed. “Let’s just eat.”

As expected, though, Shuichi didn’t let it go. As soon they settled down to eat and Himiko started to let her guard down, he brought it up again.

“I could never hate you, Himiko. You should know that. Whatever it is, you don’t have to deal with it alone.”

Himiko gritted her teeth, trying to act stoic about it, but it didn’t work. She closed her eyes and nodded slowly, tears rolling down her cheeks. She was lucky she’d even made it this long. If Shuichi shared her penchant for obsessively rewatching their season of Danganronpa, he would have figured the whole thing out already.

“I’ve been going to the hospital,” she said quietly, gaze fixed on the table so that she didn’t have to look at Shuichi’s face when she broke the news. “I have to. I’m sorry.”

“You’ve...been going to see Shinguuji,” Shuichi said, and she could almost hear his frown and furrowed brow. His detective skills weren’t quite as good as they’d been in the game, but this wasn’t a hard puzzle to figure out. Still, though, Himiko had already tensed up, prepared for resistance.

“I have to, Shuichi,” she choked out, a pounding headache already making itself known. (Soft reassurances murmured to her as she cried, even though she could feel them shaking too.) “Please understand.” (A bouquet of roses because ‘buying a girl flowers is a time-honored tradition, no?’) “I can’t just pretend it never happened.” (“I’ll die happy, because I got to meet you.”)

After so long keeping _anything_ about Korekiyo hidden as deep inside as possible, Himiko was crying so hard she felt as though she might pass out. Distantly, she heard Shuichi get up and walk over to her side of the table, pulling her into his arms.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” she sobbed into the crook of Shuichi’s neck. “It was never...supposed to be like this.”

“It’s okay. I know. It’s okay.” 

It was humiliating, breaking down so completely in front of someone, and knowing that it was far from the first time. Himiko had made a lot of progress in learning to be more open with her emotions, but that still didn’t make it easy.

“I’m sorry,” she breathed, once she’d pulled herself together a little. “I thought I was...getting over things.” Slowly, Himiko released the fistful of Shuichi’s shirt that she’d been gripping, distancing herself a little. 

“Ah, well, you don’t have to apologize. You know I’m always here for you. Trying to process all of this by yourself can’t have been easy.”

Himiko shrugged, making brief eye contact before looking away.

“I didn’t even want to believe it myself at first, but when more and more memories started coming back, it got pretty hard to deny. Even then, though, everything was so fresh...I knew you and Maki wouldn’t take it well, me talking about Kiyo in a positive way.” The nickname fell from her lips before she could correct herself, far more damning than just a lack of honorifics, and Himiko winced, but to Shuichi’s credit, his revulsion was barely noticeable.

“And, I mean, it’s not like I don’t feel the same way as you,” she continued, feeling as though she had to justify herself. “I still have nightmares about it. I feel sick, thinking about the things they did, and the things they thought they did. I was the reason Chabashira was even at the seance in the first place. It was even more personal for me, knowing they killed her, and...and didn’t even feel bad about it. It’s partially my fault she’s dead. But that’s...so much of that was _Shirogane_. She made all of us into things we weren’t.”

“They were your best friend,” Shuichi said. “It makes sense to feel conflicted.” 

“Yeah,” Himiko agreed, voice wavering slightly. “They were my best friend.”

* * *

In a way, telling Shuichi made her feel like a weight had been lifted over the next several days. She didn’t have to sneak out at ridiculous hours or lie to him when he asked what she was thinking about. In other ways, it made things even harder than before.

“It’s _not okay,_ Shuichi!” The screech of her chair scraping the floor as she stood was too loud in the quiet of their apartment. The rattling of glass when she slammed her hand down on the table was even worse. “Please tell me you can at least see that.”

Shuichi wavered, making an uncomfortable sound in his throat. He was still a rather sensitive person, Himiko knew, and ordinarily she’d feel bad for yelling at him.

“I...I’m not saying that sort of thing is acceptable,” he said, raising his hands slightly in a wordless plea for her to calm down. Ever since the end of the killing game, her emotions had been a little off-kilter, but Team Danganronpa certainly hadn’t offered the survivors anything resembling therapy. “Of course I’m not...Anyone who can’t see that we’re real people...I just see how people could feel as if...”

Himiko scoffed, not letting him finish. His hesitancy and qualifiers told her everything she needed to know.

“How would you feel if it was Maki? Or me, even? These people came into their hospital room to threaten them and nobody did anything. It’s not just rude comments online.”

“I’m just not sure it’s that simple. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and nothing about Ultimate real fiction should’ve been allowed to happen in the first place, but it did, and now everyone has to figure out how to handle it...Usually any people the writers change so drastically don’t make it out, so there’s no telling what long-term effects there might be. All I’m saying is that I can understand why people might be scared. I don’t agree with dealing with it that way, but Himiko, they’re...”

“They’re what?”

“Look, never mind. I never meant to sound like I didn’t understand why you’re upset.”

“No, what were you going to say?” Her hand was clenched so tightly that she could feel her fingernails digging into her palm. The smart thing would be to let this argument go, but she had too much built-up anger and no outlet for it.

“I’m sorry, Himiko. I shouldn’t have said anything. Please, just leave it be.”

“Say it.”

“They’re a serial killer! Fake or not, that’s who they are now. I know you’re hurting, and you’re grieving for the person you used to know, but they’re gone. I don’t want you to get hurt even more. The Shinguuji we survived the killing game with isn’t your friend.” Shuichi was standing now too, raking a hand through his hair in frustration. It should have been satisfying to see him losing his composure too, but it wasn’t. “They were dangerous to the very end, and frankly, it’s a shame Monokuma included that two murderers rule. Everyone would’ve been better off if Shinguuji was executed, including them.” 

For a long moment, everything was silent. It felt like even the air stopped moving, utterly still.

Shuichi was a good person, an amazing person, and one of her closest friends besides. He was one of the kindest people she’d ever met, and that was what made it hurt all the more.

“Go fuck yourself,” Himiko said flatly, turning on her heel. All the way down from their third floor apartment, she could hear the pounding of her heart.

* * *

She’d already been to the hospital that morning, which was how she’d heard about the incident in the first place, but Himiko found herself there again without any memory of the trip. Her hands were trembling, legs weaker than usual as she walked inside. Words alone hadn’t affected her this much in a long time.

Everything seemed to have calmed down at least. As she walked through the familiar hallways leading to Korekiyo’s room, she wouldn’t have thought anything unusual happened lately. Then again, that was part of the problem. If it had been another patient being harassed and threatened, there would have been an uproar.

Himiko shrugged off a nurse’s greeting, going right to Korekiyo’s door without announcing herself. That was one small perk of being a celebrity, getting to go wherever she pleased without being questioned.

“Twice in one day? To what do I owe such an honor?” Their voice was as deadpan as ever, but it coaxed a smile out of Himiko regardless.

“Don’t worry about it. Can’t I just want to visit you?” Letting the door close behind her, Himiko flopped down across the sofa. The hospital room was more like a small suite, courtesy of Team Danganronpa. Her own had been the same, though she’d only had to spend a couple of days there. 

“Most people would say no, it seems.” Korekiyo rose from their chair, somehow managing to make pajamas and messy hair look elegant. “I’m incredibly dangerous, you know. Ought to be euthanized for the safety of humanity. A lethal injection isn’t quite as thrilling as a Danganronpa execution, but that ship has already sailed.” 

They approached the couch she’d claimed, giving her a gentle nudge. Obligingly, Himiko straightened up, allowing them to sit next to her, and then got comfortable again, resting her head on their lap.

“Don’t even joke about that,” she muttered, staring up at the ceiling. Himiko’s stomach knotted up, reminded of what Shuichi had said. “It’s not funny.”

“I never claimed it was.” Upon inspecting her expression more closely and seeing that she was serious, they sighed. “I apologize. I will...try to refrain from such comments. You know I have no intention of dying easily.” Himiko felt fingers smoothing through her hair, and some of the tension lessened.

“Yeah, I know.” Silence blanketed the room. The quiet only intensified Himiko’s anxiety, and the subtle trembling returned. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Shuichi and I had an argument before I came here,” Himiko admitted, sighing.

“Oh? About what? You and Saihara always seemed to get along quite well.”

Himiko considered lying, but knew that it was pointless before the words even left her mouth. “About you.”

“Ah. I’m not surprised,” they said. “He doesn’t yet know the full story, does he? Though I doubt that would do much to change his mind. Such pure ideals, but what good do they do him? My fate is already decided either way.”

“No, he doesn’t.” Himiko bit her lip, counting the ceiling tiles as she thought about what to say. “Like I told you, he knows about before the game...Not in detail, but he knows. The rest...no. He hasn’t watched the season, so he doesn’t think there was anything between us then.”

“Mm. Probably better not to tell him, to avoid, ah...escalating the conflict. As amusing as it would undoubtedly be to witness his reaction, there’s no need for you to deal with the stress.”

“I just hope he’ll come around eventually,” Himiko said. “And Maki too, once she finds out. If they don’t, what are you going to do once you get out of here?”

“Find somewhere to live and get on with my life, I imagine.” Korekiyo sounded so nonchalant that it might have been infuriating if she didn’t know what the attitude was hiding. They were scared. Everyone was. None of the survivors knew what to do, how to go on, and yet they had to. Kiyo was no different, even if their false past had made them accustomed to feeling fear quite a bit less often than the average person.

“Not alone! I’ll...I’ll move out and start living with you instead,” she decided. “I don’t want you to have to be all alone.”

“I’d manage, I’m sure.”

“Still. You don’t have to, is the point.”

They spiraled into the same debate they’d had countless times already, and the afternoon dragged on. The full story...Himiko couldn’t help dwelling on that. Korekiyo was right. That knowledge probably wouldn’t make Shuichi feel better at all.

* * *

“Ah, Yumeno-san. Just who I was looking for. You slept well, I hope?” The morning after Tenko died, just hearing Korekiyo’s voice had felt like a sort of violence. They were leaning against the doorframe of her research lab, adjusting the bandages wrapped around their hands rather than even bothering to make eye contact.

“Did I sleep well? What kind of question is that supposed to be?” Himiko asked, breath hitching in her throat. “And why were you looking for me?”

“I’d like you to teach me magic.” They glanced up, finally, and to Himiko’s surprise, their expression showed no signs that their words were anything but genuine. “Nothing overly complex or secret, naturally. I wouldn’t ask you to reveal any sensitive information to me. But if there are some small spells you’d be willing to share...Yes, I’d enjoy that very much.”

“You killed someone yesterday, and now you’re asking to learn magic?” Himiko was at a total loss for how to respond, eyes wide.

“I fail to see how those two things are mutually exclusive. Are you willing to do it?”

“You actually want to?” Himiko confirmed. “This isn’t some attempt to mock me, you’re actually interested in magic?”

“Of course,” they said. “The supernatural has always fascinated me, and I wish to know as much about humanity and its culture as possible. Why not take advantage of the opportunity to hear from an expert?”

“In that case, I guess I could teach you a little.” Glancing around briefly, paranoid about what the others might think if they saw her with Korekiyo, Himiko slipped past them and into her lab. “C’mon.”

The conversation was stilted and awkward at first, explanations of some basic card tricks the only easy topic she could cling to. Ordinarily, Himiko would refuse to give away the secrets of _any_ of the spells and tricks at her disposal, no matter who asked, but with Korekiyo...she was a little worried about what would happen if she refused their request. Just a few small things should be alright.

Before she knew it, things got easier. When they were immersed in discussions of magic, both her own practical experience and Korekiyo’s research, she wasn’t so focused on the fact that they’d killed Tenko. It felt better to just pretend they hadn’t done it.

“No, not like that!” Himiko exclaimed a couple of days later. Meeting up for magic lessons had started to become routine, offering some small comfort. “You’re gonna—” She cut off, dissolving into laughter as the cards they’d been working with flew everywhere, landing on the floor between them. “I thought you’d be way better than that at this kind of thing, Shinguuji.”

“It’s true that I’m reasonably skilled with my hands, and have experience in deception, but combining the two is proving to be rather more difficult than I expected. My respect for your talent only continues to grow!” For some reason, their enthusiasm made the whole room feel a little warmer. Himiko hoped she wasn’t blushing. “Ah, let me just...”

“I’ll...” Himiko had started to speak at the same moment as Korekiyo, both of them having moved to start gathering up the scattered cards. Leaning in like this, she was so close that she noticed, somewhat hysterically, that they had very nice eyelashes. One of her hands was next to them on the floor, and when it accidentally grazed their thigh, she felt like her heart might stop.

“Sorry,” she muttered with an anxious chuckle. Kiyo had started to gather the cards, but Himiko couldn’t pull away, feeling like she was frozen in place. With what she thought might be a smile under their mask, they shook their head, tossing their hair over their shoulder. It hit her arm, still frozen next to them. She couldn’t breathe.

“Please, no need to apologize. It’s not a big deal.” Was it just her imagination, or did Korekiyo sound a little flustered? Before, their gaze had instantly gone to her hand when she touched their leg, as if they were extra attuned to her. 

“Right, uh, I can...demonstrate that technique again if you want...” 

“Of course. That would be much appreciated, Yumeno-san.” Slowly, Himiko straightened up, and Korekiyo passed her the deck, their hand brushing against hers as they did.

“Yeah,” she said softly, gaze still glued to their hand instead of the cards she was holding. “If you hold it like this, it’s easier to...” Had it always been so quiet here? Just the two of them sitting on the floor of her lab, all alone. “Um.” Himiko took a breath, trying to re-focus on the lesson.

“Is something the matter?”

“No, not at all,” she said hastily. “I guess I just zoned out for a second there. Maybe it’ll be easier to understand if I move a little closer?” A flimsy excuse at best, but she didn’t feel in control of her own words. 

“Yes, you might be right.” Before she even had a chance to, Korekiyo moved to sit closer to her instead. Their normally intense gaze was even stronger than usual. Comically similar to Himiko’s slip-up moments before, their legs bumped against each other, and Korekiyo’s breathy laughter filled the room. Himiko was incredibly grateful for the lack of silence. 

“My, I suppose we’re both a bit clumsy today, yes?”

“Heh, yeah, I guess so.” Neither of them had broken eye contact. Without fully intending to do so, Himiko set the cards aside. Delicately, her hand came to rest on their thigh, purposefully this time.

“Perhaps taking a break would be—”

“—a good idea.” She finished their sentence, breath catching when one of Korekiyo’s hands came to her waist, more hesitantly than she would have expected from them. Slowly, her own hand crept a little higher, and she broke eye contact for just an instant, glancing down at it.

“Yumeno,” they whispered.

With surprising strength, Korekiyo pulled her into their lap. Her free hand moved to cup their face, thumb brushing over their cheekbone. 

“Can I...?” Hesitantly, she hooked a finger under the fabric of their mask.

“Yes.” A slight shiver ran through them, seeming completely involuntary, and Himiko tugged it down.

* * *

Once the tension between them had been acknowledged for what it was, there was no going back. The two of them had snuck around together for the rest of the game, not even knowing about their past friendship, and Shuichi didn’t know a thing about it.

Speaking of Shuichi, things were still uncomfortably awkward at home when Himiko returned, having stayed at the hospital well past the end of visiting hours. Conversation was minimal, and not a word was said about Korekiyo. At least anger was better than the guilt she’d felt when she was hiding her visits from him, she supposed.

When Maki came home a few days later, there was a wordless agreement not to tell her. Himiko told herself that every family had disagreements sometimes, but got through them in the end. She wondered when she’d started thinking of Shuichi and Maki as her family.

At the hospital, she started to hear whispers around the nurses’ station that Korekiyo might be discharged soon. Korekiyo hadn’t mentioned it to her themself, so Himiko didn’t say anything about it either, equal parts joy and dread tying her stomach in knots.

They still had bad days here and there, but on a more definitively positive note, Kiyo was once again in possession of a phone. Himiko’s memories from before the killing game were still foggy, but late night conversations with them were one of the things she missed most. Hopefully they’d be living together soon and able to fall asleep talking to each other in person, but for now this would have to do.

**Korekiyo:** I’m being released soon, allegedly.

**Himiko:** youre making it sound like youre in prison instead of the hospital lmao

**Himiko:** seriously tho thats good

**Korekiyo:** It certainly feels like prison sometimes. In any event, they’ve informed me that Team Danganronpa will provide housing arrangements just as they did for the rest of you. I don’t expect you to move on my behalf, nor would I ask you to, but if you were serious about wanting to live together...

**Korekiyo:** That would be more than okay with me.

**Himiko:** of course i want to

**Himiko:** i like living with shuichi and maki too, but since i have to choose, i choose you

**Korekiyo:** Thank you. I don’t know what I did to deserve someone so wonderful in my life.

**Himiko:** lol yes u do 

**Korekiyo:** Is that so? To warrant this level of devotion?

**Himiko:** well, yeah. you were my first friend ever

**Korekiyo:** I suppose so, and you were mine. It still just doesn’t feel real sometimes. I still fear harming you if I am overcome by false memories.

**Himiko:** i know you wouldnt tho. im sure. even when we thought it was all real, you didnt. besides, i know how to tell her to fuck off if she decides to show up again

**Himiko:** im not afraid of you and i never will be

* * *

“Shuichi told me.” The blunt, out of the blue announcement came after days of relative peace, once Himiko had started to let her guard down. Startled, she looked at Maki, not sure what to expect.

“He...told you what?”

“About you and Shinguuji.” Maki frowned, tugging her hair and averting her gaze. It seemed she was just as uncomfortable with this conversation as Himiko was, which offered some small comfort. 

“Oh. That. I...yeah, it’s true, but please don’t be mad. I’m so tired of fighting.”

“I already knew.” Maki met her eyes, the tiniest ghost of a smile on her lips. “I knew before he did, actually, but I didn’t see any reason to bring it up. Wasn’t my business.”

Slowly, the realization dawned on her. Himiko was horrified.

“You mean...during the killing game?”

“Yes. I don’t understand what you see in them, but I suppose I don’t have to. If it works for you, it’s fine.” She patted Himiko’s shoulder awkwardly, and turned away. Before leaving the room entirely though, Maki paused in the doorway, glancing back at her. “He feels bad for what he said to you, you know.”

* * *

**Korekiyo:** Harukawa visited me today.

**Himiko:** really?? she didn’t say anything to me abt it

**Korekiyo:** It wasn’t lengthy, by any means, but certainly more than I expected. She...gave her blessing, I suppose you could say. She also mentioned that she’s known for quite awhile. Apparently she caught us sneaking around together one too many times.

**Himiko:** yeah, she told me that a few days ago

**Himiko:** shuichi seems to be coming around too, at least from what maki said

**Korekiyo:** I’m not surprised. While his initial reaction was normal given the circumstances, I believe Saihara is nothing if not accepting. The two of you will work things out. There’s no need for you to ruin a precious friendship on my behalf.

**Himiko:** why are you right all the time? it’s so unfair

**Korekiyo:** I can’t help it. I must be naturally gifted.

**Himiko:** smartass

**Himiko:** anyway, i’ll probably try to break the news tomorrow about me moving

**Himiko:** i think it’ll go okay. i hope.

**Korekiyo:** In that case, good luck, my dear.

* * *

“Hey, Himiko...” Shuichi looked more hesitant than she’d seen him in a long time, fidgeting and holding out a chipped mug of hot chocolate. “I was wondering if we could talk?”

Just like that, Himiko’s heart melted. He was family, even if she hated him a little sometimes. That was that. Eyes stinging with tears, she nodded and took the mug, a shaky smile forming.

“Yeah. I’d like that.” 

The two of them migrated to the living room, settling down on the same shabby couch that had borne witness to virtually every important conversation and milestone since they’d first moved in. For a few moments, there was silence, Himiko staring down at her cocoa and rasping a fingernail over the rough edge of the mug.

“I’m sorry,” Shuichi said. “For what I said, and for waiting so long to apologize. I’ve been feeling awful about it for days, but I guess part of me didn’t want to admit that I was wrong. You can thank Maki for slapping some sense into me,” he said with a regretful chuckle. “Metaphorically, anyway.”

“I’m sorry too,” Himiko replied. “I was...scared about what happened at the hospital, and I felt like you really didn’t care, and knew everyone else out there _definitely_ didn’t care about any of us, so it was like...How am I supposed to protect them from the whole world on my own? So...I kinda tried to pick a fight ‘cause being angry was better than being scared.” Until she’d explained it out loud, Himiko hadn’t even been consciously aware of those subconscious motivations, but it made a lot of sense.

“I just didn’t want to see you get hurt. I reassured you that you could tell me anything and I’d be there for you, but then I wasn’t. Even before that, I know I was kinda judgmental about your...relationship, so that’s my fault. Maybe you did provoke me, but the thought was still in my head in the first place. I never tried to see it from your perspective.” Shuichi sighed quietly, pulling a blanket over himself.

“I wasn’t totally honest with you either.” Himiko took a sip of her hot chocolate, and then took a deep breath before continuing, gaze fixed on the carpet. “From what I told you, I can see why you were worried about me, thinking I was only relying on the past. But the truth is that I was already involved with the Shinguuji you knew. It was complicated, and getting out and remembering all the stuff from before made it even more complicated, but we were together. I wasn’t just missing someone who doesn’t exist anymore. I wanted the person they are now, even the bad parts. I knew what I was getting into.”

It took awhile for Shuichi to absorb that, and Himiko worried that he’d only wind up angry with her all over again. Instead, he just nodded, looking over at her.

“I started to suspect there was more to it than you told me. Everything makes a lot more sense looking at it that way.”

“I’m sorry,” Himiko said again. “Are...we okay now?”

“Yeah, of course.” Smiling, Shuichi pulled her into a gentle hug. “We’re okay.”

* * *

It wasn’t long before Korekiyo was discharged from the hospital, as promised. Team Danganronpa’s sway apparently had no limits, as Kiyo had been given an apartment in the same building Himiko and the others already lived in. It felt like the best of both worlds, being able to live with her boyfriend without straying too far from her other friends either.

Korekiyo’s interactions with Shuichi and Maki had been minimal, but nothing catastrophic had happened so far. Himiko considered that a win. Everyone was trying their best — that was for sure.

“So...” Himiko said, dragging out the word and winding her arms around Korekiyo’s waist. “What do you think about going to see Maki and Shuichi?” 

The only sound in the room came from the open window, traffic noises drifting in with the July heat.

“I suppose,” they said eventually, though Himiko could feel how tense they’d gotten. “If you’d like me to come with you, I can do that. But I’m not so sure I’m welcome there.”

“You are, I promise. Just trust me.” After leaning up to give them a kiss, Himiko pulled away, already heading for the door.

“Right now?” There was the slightest hint of panic in Korekiyo’s eyes. Himiko frowned, shifting from foot to foot.

“Yeah. I mean, if you don’t want to go, it’s okay. You don’t have to.”

“No, no, I’ll go. It’s ridiculous of me to be worried about something so simple.”

Himiko held their hand tightly on the walk through the building. She hoped she wasn’t making a mistake in doing this. The last thing anyone needed was a disaster now that things had finally calmed down, but she didn’t feel any sense of impending doom. Aside from Korekiyo’s nervousness, Himiko actually felt...confident.

“It’ll be fine,” she murmured again before knocking on the door. Shuichi answered it, greeting them both with a smile.

“Hey,” he said, stepping aside to let them in. “Happy birthday, Shinguuji. Ah, I know it’s actually tomorrow, but I thought you might have other plans for it, so we decided that today would be...” Shuichi trailed off, clearly feeling rather awkward.

“Oh. Thank you.” Korekiyo cleared their throat, grip on Himiko’s hand tightening a little. “But what exactly are you referring to?”

“I’m not sure it can be called a party with only four people.” Maki rounded the corner from the tiny kitchen, arms crossed. “But it’s something like that. Shuichi, I need your help with something.”

Shuichi just gave her a confused look at first but then, realizing what Maki meant, promptly followed her back to the kitchen. Himiko stifled a laugh. Maki had always been the worst at cooking out of the three of them.

“A...party...?” Korekiyo sounded as if the words were completely foreign to them, giving Himiko a look of such utter confusion and vulnerability that it was all she could do not to kiss them senseless right then and there. “For me?”

Faint snippets of conversation drifted in from the kitchen.

_“Why did you ask me to do this? Look at it.”_

_“Maki, it’s not that bad...And it’s the thought that counts anyway, right?”_

There was a pause, in which Maki was undoubtedly giving Shuichi a withering glare.

_“...Okay, yeah, it’s awful. But what am I supposed to do after you already...”_ Shuichi’s voice then grew too soft for Himiko to hear, but judging by the frustrated tone of Maki’s equally inaudible reply, it hadn’t been what she wanted.

_“No, I can’t just scrape it off and do it over, I don’t think it works like that. And besides, that wouldn’t make it much better.”_

“Yeah, for you,” Himiko confirmed, just as she heard footsteps growing closer. “Who else?”

Maki and Shuichi re-entered, Shuichi setting out a cake on the coffee table. The bits of conversation she’d overheard instantly made sense. Nobody but Maki could’ve possibly made that cake. It was noticeably uneven, slumping to one side of the plate as if it had grown too tired to stand up. The frosting wasn’t exactly smooth either, and there was an odd section of blurred colors on top, as if someone had tried to write a message and given up halfway through, deciding to just wipe it away instead. Himiko bit her lip, stifling a snicker.

“That’s an incredibly ugly cake,” Korekiyo said bluntly. A split second later, a mortified expression came across their face, but before they could backpedal, Himiko started laughing. The cake was funny enough on its own, but their reaction had been the last straw. She couldn’t help it. Clearly she wasn’t the only one either, as Shuichi dissolved into laughter as well. 

Maki and Kiyo were slower to give in, but soon everyone was laughing. Every time it seemed someone might regain composure, a glance at the ridiculous birthday cake was all it took to set them off again.

“It is,” Maki agreed breathlessly. “It really is.”

This, Himiko thought, was family.

**Author's Note:**

> the first 3-4k of this was written a year ago and the story was originally intended to go somewhat differently, from what i remember, but 2019 is the year of finishing what i start.
> 
> also, i might write the full version of the magic lessons scene at some point if that's a thing anyone would be interested in? i needed to keep the main fic at a t rating so it wouldn't be too spicy to post on dra, hence the fade to black

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Kintsukuroi](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19127656) by [Kittycattycat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittycattycat/pseuds/Kittycattycat)




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